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My dear Monsieur Paquet! It's me, the Joan Rivers of Korean film criticism, Yuhn Myikuk again! Congratulations on being appointed as one of the judges for Puchon Fantastic Film Festival. I tell you what, just give the award to Mat the Cat. An Estonian film starring a feline wizard, I mean come on, what could possibly beat that? Oh you are only allowed to judge short films, huh. Now when did I hear that excuse before?

Anyway, down to the business. With the monsoon season rolling over in July, you know dang well that you cannot avoid encountering two things in Korea. One is drunken Korean men throwing up in subway stations past eleven o'clock (Why do Koreans call throwing up in public "oba-eet?" When I overeat, I don't throw up, I get fat): the other is, of course, clueless, pedestrian, or (if we are lucky) just plain dopey horror films.

So do I have to talk in earnest about Arang? Sigh. I tell you what, in order to avoid wasting valuable storage space for your webpage, I will try to anticipate some questions the readers might have about this particular motion picture, and answer them as pointedly as possible. I promise, no snide remarks about Matrix or Slavoj Zizek this time around.

R (Reader, that means you folks out there): What does the title mean? YMK: There's some legend about a girl who was raped and killed and her ghost... never mind. It's a name, or maybe a pronoun. Ah-Girl. You know, like the protagonist in Lu Xun's novel, The Story of Ah Q.

R: I don't get it. YMK: Well don't ask me, Boy George.

R: What distinguishes it from any other run-of-the-mill Japanese or Korean horror film? YMK: Nothing. Um, okay, that's not quite true. This movie is even more boring in its middle section than your run-of-the-mill Japanese or Korean horror film. Some police procedurals and death-by-haunted-website sequences are so excruciatingly drawn out and repetitive, I thought I was going to hallucinate. None of the major death sequences are even remotely scary. If you find any of them scary, I honestly have to ask you, are you sure you are an Earthling? Or perhaps you suffer from a rare neurological symptom in which an extreme lack of originality in a work of art causes chemical imbalance in your brain, producing fear and anxiety. Well lucky you. Reads like a good gimmick for a new Dario Argento film.

To give credit where it is due, writer-director An Sang-hoon worked hard to plant some moderately non-stupid clues along the way for a semi-interesting twist, but of course, my hope of actually watching a movie where all the supernatural boogaboos turn out to be tricks was dashed by the end. I plead to the ghosts of Liberace and Zsa Zsa Gabor, give me a good old-fashioned Miss Marple mystery over long-haired, bloodshot-eyed Sadako clones and her dumb-&-dumber entourage any time. Please!

R: Arang's marketing seems to center on actress Song Yun-ah, who was previously seen in another horror film Face. YMK: Can you believe me when I say she is even less effective here than in Face? Song is a pretty, hardworking actress and obviously has given her all in Arang. Sadly, I must say her character has got to be the least convincing female cop I have ever seen portrayed in cinema. She behaves like a jittery, weepy teenager dumped by a boyfriend when she is supposed to reveal deep emotional scars, and is generally so insipid that I couldn't believe anyone would assign her to issue parking tickets, let alone catch dangerous criminals. Even though I haven't seen it, I am sure Song is million times better in Lost in Love. Public announcement time: Kim Ok-bin (Dasepo Naughty Girls) does not star in this movie. She is prominently featured in the trailer but her screen time is much shorter than that given to Blofeld's Persian cat in a James Bond film.

U: Any saving grace? YMK: You know Professor Kim is Catholic, I am not sure whether I am, but I have to admit that some intriguing quasi-Catholic imagery was glimpsed, especially towards the end: a vision of a Madonna buried in a mound of salt, things like that, nothing to do with the movie's stated objective but sort of fascinating. And Lee Dong-wook as Song's cop partner wasn't half bad (and cute), even though I thought the actor who played his younger self in flashback was better (and cuter, too).

Well I hope this gives our esteemed readers a few pointers about Arang. At this point, Professor Kim is wishing that this summer's horror film crop turns out to be at least a moderate improvement over the 2004 fiasco. Fat chance, like his tummy, but who knows? Me, I would rather wait for another Tale of Two Sisters from Jeong Jae-eun, Kim Seong-ho or other proven talents, even if that means I have to wait another year or two.

I guess that's it for this time around... Ciao, Monsieur Paquet, Happy Judging and Milling Around Among Film Festival Crowds!

See you again soon,

Yours Truly, Yuhn Myikuk.

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